I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
