Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
