Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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