my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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