I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
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