Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...