just come out here and I will go home with you...
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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