I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
