just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
