just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
