So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
