took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
