I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
