Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
