remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm too high and old for this...
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
