I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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