My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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