Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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