I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
