i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
