"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
