Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
