the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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