nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
