Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
