it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Randomize
