She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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