just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
