dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
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