i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
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