You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I lost the right to judge tonight
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
