I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
