i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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