her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
