I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
