He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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