So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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