My liver just broke up with me...
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I would ride that face into the sunset
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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