Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
