we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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