Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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