Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
