I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
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