I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
