Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
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