Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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