pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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