Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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