Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
