No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
