he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
