life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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