i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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