Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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