I want to make a zoo with you.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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