Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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