You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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