Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
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