I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
